Their behaviour may be inappropriate, experimental, disturbing and possibly annoying to others, but it does not make them bad children.
This need to be our point of departure.
If not, we may be in danger of missing a child in need just because their behaviour is completely the opposite - quiet, polite, unintrusive and not disturbing.
Behaviour needs to be observed in-context.
Humans behave by responding to their contexts.
It may be an external context i.e., their family, social circles or classroom or an internal one, i.e., their thoughts, emotions and physical bodily sensations.
To give you an idea of behaviour in-context, I have two examples for you.
First scenario is that you see a person being stabbed in the throat with a sharp object. – Is this good behaviour or bad?
Second scenario is that you see a vehicle run a red light – is that good or bad behaviour?
Well, it really is impossible to say, as we do not have enough information – we do not know the context and so we do not know the function of the behaviour.
Your brain may have come to a quick conclusion, as brains do, and judge the first scenario to be “bad” – language plays an important part in this and using words like “stabbed” and “sharp object” which together are usually associated with criminal behaviour and gives context to the scenario.
But if I were to stay that a doctor was trying to save another human by performing an emergency tracheotomy – an incision to the windpipe to clear the airway using a pen or knife, then I would be providing a different context through the words I use which would most likely bring you to the conclusion that this was “good” behaviour.
Likewise with the vehicle running the red light – we quickly judge the scenario as questionable behaviour until we gain more context that it was in fact, the ambulance rushing to A&E to hopefully save the person’s life.
Context matters!
If we as parents, carers and teachers want the best quality life for the children we are responsible for then we must look carefully at the wider contexts and ask the question “what function is this behaviour we are observing have in relation to the context it is responding to?”
Children are too often labelled as “bad” “badly behaved” “lazy” “naughty” when what is really happening is that they are struggling with their external environment and /or their internal environment; emotions thoughts and physical sensations.
Children with ADHD and other neurodiverse states may struggle with their emotions and those of others. Understanding social clues of others may be very difficult for them, which could get in the way of them connecting to others and developing a healthy social circle. In turn, this may exclude them from important social circles within the school or college and in extracurricular environments.
Teachers may get annoyed with their pupils for “being strange” and “disruptive” “noisy” as they crave peer group attention and interaction, possibly by way of over talking, touching or “being the clown”.
Parents may find their children being more accident prone and impulsive, speaking out of turn and “being rude”.
But is this different for girls? It can be!
ADHD has been missed in girls for years and was once thought of as a “boys only disorder.”
Unlike boys, girls may be observed sitting quietly, not disturbing a soul, and at the same time be suffering internal turmoil from their hyperactive thoughts, emotions and disturbing body sensations. On the outside all looks “good” to the observer and on the inside, there is an emotional tornado taking place!
Eating disorders and self-harm could show up in girls as an attempt to attend to, in a maladaptive way, to the emotional avoidance of the internal turmoil. This creates a dysfunctional child, teenager and young adult.
Neglected and left untreated in both boys and girls, this condition increases the risk of loneliness, craving for peer-to-peer connections, low self-worth, depression and high anxiety.
Nothing is left in a vacuum and human behaviour will respond to its context, no matter what, in the best interests of survival and so smoking, vaping, alcohol and drugs maybe the go-to solution, albeit detrimental in the long term, by helping ADHD children to be accepted by similar behaving peer groups and at the same time “self-medicating” the disturbing symptoms internally and externally of ADHD.
It’s not just academic performance that suffers.
Relationships between friends, parents and school suffers too, creating learned behaviour patterns that are also unhelpful later in life.
So, before we “label” our children with damaging life changing labels like “stupid” “bad” “naughty” “good for nothings” among others and “punish them accordingly”, I believe we should be wary that their behaviour is a well-intended response to something – their context. This behaviour is an attempt to gain relief from their pain in the short term and precipitates a detrimental low-quality life in the long term and that it’s up to us to discover exactly what that context is if we are to help change it.
I agree. There are triggers for behaviours, often as a result of the child not being able to deal with the emotions and impact of the situation. Sadly, I find primary services poor. Where as with a community like Eden, the focus is on helping the child. I worry for our children and the impact of the world and world events has on them.
We need to protect our children, also ensure that when they struggle, services actually help. Remove the use of labels for our children.